An ongoing evolutionary collaborative free-range Atkin's friendly, wardrobe malfunction-free, literary blog. Tastes like chicken, smells like pennies, thinks like Sloths. Hand me your cash, we need an editor.
Closed Cap Shunning
Sam: Elegant as it was, the hubcap in front of the estate had to go.
shirl: It was the hub of my life, stolen years ago off of Alice Cooper's tour bus. I cherished it, caressed it, and ate off of it.
g_a_w_k_: For some quasi-familiar reason, the taste of that chrome plate brought back such fine-toothed olfactorical memories of when Alice and I first met.
wonderbritches: It was the height of his career, in Chicago. I was working at the stadium as bubble gum scraper, and had snuck into the green room. He saw my 'staff'shirt' and told me to go get him some M&M's and licorice whips for his groupies. Of course I did.
Sam: Licorice whips. Ohhhh... the memories. Baldo, the old black man who tutored me in using the bass drum. He had a constant stash of licorice. It was red licorice. He told me that whether red or black, licorice was always subversive. I've held those tenets to this day.
shirl: The smell of the hub, the smell of gum, the smell of licorice...it was a plethora of memories. I had to reject these thoughts as the hub went to auction. It was excruciating for me to part with it....the auctioneer's hammer slammed....."SOLD," he said....I looked at the highest bidder and was surprised to see it was.....
g_a_w_k_: ...a bad flash animation from the new eBay website. It really ticked me off that by the time the animation loaded on my dialup, the auction was already over and a woman who only identified herself as BonHomie_joJo1978 instant messaged me after she bought it using Paypal. I became fluent in my own frustration to how I could have such a strong aromatic fetish for this anise flavored memory. So I had to....
wonderbritches: ...take a swig of the Jack Daniels 5th sitting on the desk by the monitor and ignore the computer for a few. I grabbed the hubcap off the printer, hugged it to me, and took it with me on a farewell walk to the 7/11 to pick up a bag of licorice. It was so hard to think about parting with this beloved object of my misspent youth.
Sam: Alas, I had to confront my youth. The days of yore, when hubcaps atop printers really meant something. When 7/11s were around before 9/11. When a hub cap was actually stationary, and not constantly spinning after pulling up to a stop light. Those were the days, indeed.
shirl: I consoled myself by stopping at the corner Chinese diner, and had them fill my hubcap with their culinary delights dripping with grease, yet msg free. I planted my face level with said hubcap and filled my face, looking up only when a waiter came by with a fortune cookie. I crunched it open with tears streaming down my cheeks, only to read: Do not sell anything near and dear for destruction may follow. I threw up. Now what?
g_a_w_k_: Getting up from the table at the Chinese Buffet, I had to use the restroom to wipe off the combination of JD, Kung Pow #44 & Licorice. En route, I passed the kitchen, went down the skinny hallway, and down a set of narrow dirty stairs. I became confused by which door to enter, for there WERE 2 doors, both covered in indecipherable Chinese characters. I played a quick game of enie-minie-mo and shot through the door on the left, to only discover that it was the rear entrance to the Boxing gym next door. I thought to myself.....
wonderbritches: "ummmm, wrong entrance," and quickly closed the door to the gym. I opened the other one, stepped into the grungy bathroom to wash the sacred (to me) hubcap, and pondered my options. Did I want to take a negative hit on my perfect, 100% positive feedback on my Feebay account? Could I really pass up the $80,000 that BonHomie_joJo1978 had won the auction for? Was a vintage Alice Cooper Tour Bus Hubcap really worth that amount of money? Could I part with this hunk of metal?
Sam: ePray sent me an email. It said I should reenter my personal info. I fell for it, and suddenly I was redirected to an illegitimate Bon Homie site. Stupid. How did I fall for that?
shirl: The real Bon Homie wanted the hubcap autographed by Alice Cooper for an extra 20 grand, so my mission was to motorcycle to Harley Davidson town to see the man himself, and hope he would not recognise the hubcap and do the deed.
g_a_w_k_: Ironically, the small town of Harley Davidson wasn't actually named after the motorcycle company, but was rather formerly named for two brothers that had a similar squabbling like Remus & Romulus, minus no strange animal teats. It seemed that Davidson Johnschew and Harley Johnschew both had a crush on the town hooker, Ms. Janey Jaberwaitstaff. After much ado about marriage proposals, Janey left town and the two brothers fought for years until they both died of Syphilis. So when Bon Homie finally arrived in Harley Davidson, covered in dust and teeth full of bugs......
wonderbritches: I scrubbed my finger over my teeth to dislodge the bugs, took off my leather helmet, and smoothed my mullet into place. I walked into the "Notel Motel" to procure a room. I pulled my knock-off Vespa into the room with me and parked it by the bed. I then locked the door and pulled the curtains closed. I reverently unpacked the shiny hubcap from my backpack, laid it on the bed, proceeded to undress, then headed to the shower.
Sam: That was my first mistake. Leaving the hubcap out of my sight was a very very bad thing to do. Heh. Especially since I was naked, and in the shower.
shirl: Out of sight, out of mind. I was so glad I was naked during the shower, otherwise my one change of clothes would be wet for a few hours, and I still had to find Alice. His cell number was scrawled on the bathroom door. What luck! I called the number and Alice answered. I asked if he gave out free autographs, and he asked me if I did favors...I gulped and wondered what he meant.
g_a_w_k_: His voice paused momentarily, and we both listened to the quiet crackling of each others' mouths, blinking and static before he coyly said to meet him at 8:15 pm at the iHop on the corner of main street, across the street from Big Lots and Barnes & Noble. It was still only 6:10pm and I had a few hours to kill before I obliged to meet Alice, so I shaved and Febrezed my Levi's & blue tank top and headed over to Barnes & Noble......
wonderbritches: I quickly sought out the music autobiographies, and immersed myself in the glory days of both myself and Alice Cooper. The next thing I knew, it was dark out. I bugged the kid next to me for the time...SHIT 9:15, I was an hour late for my meeting with Alice Cooper at the iHop.
Sam: Little did I know. The IHOP closed at 8:00 PM that night. It was due to a new law enacted by the Jehovah's Witnesses, who, unknown to me, had taken over state politics.
shirl: I called his cell again; Alice and I discussed the religious ramifications of these changes in laws, another being that, in Milwaukee, you must let them enter your home when they come knocking. You must read their Awake booklets, and they get to sip on beverages that you must supply while they wait.
g_a_w_k_: Then I thought of that famous Chicken Incident back in the early '70s, where Alice had allegedly gnawed off the head of a chicken on stage - which was somewhere between a fake religious rite of passage, regardless, Frank Zappa blessed the alleged act with pure dogmatic praise. I had to ask, was this the turning point in your career as a performer - or as a clown?
Alice's face winced and took on a level of bewilderment, even seeing traces of white clown make-up in the leathery fold-wrinkles of his face. He looked sad, very sad, until he winked at me and flashed his fluorescent white smile of porcelain veneered dentures and asked, "So, where is this hubcap?".......
wonderbritches: "The hubcap?," I asked cautiously...I had never mentioned what it was I wanted him to autograph. "It's safe," he said. "You mentioned you would trade a favor for the autograph. So what was it you had in mind?"
Sam: "Do you really have to ask?" he lowly intoned. "It's rather obvious, the reason why you appear before me now." Even the inanimate hubcap wanted to shudder in disbelief.
shirl: "Sure I'll sign it, but I want it back, its mine and I remember the night it was taken" .... so I simply replied, "Fine, its yours". It was just too much trouble to bother with anymore. Alice cackled and took out his permanent ink pen, took a whiff of it, signed it with a flair as he would have stroked his guitar strings, and tossed the hubcap at me..."It's all yours baby!, " he chuckled, with a wink of his mascara-encrusted eye.
Sam: Elegant as it was, the hubcap in front of the estate had to go.
shirl: It was the hub of my life, stolen years ago off of Alice Cooper's tour bus. I cherished it, caressed it, and ate off of it.
g_a_w_k_: For some quasi-familiar reason, the taste of that chrome plate brought back such fine-toothed olfactorical memories of when Alice and I first met.
wonderbritches: It was the height of his career, in Chicago. I was working at the stadium as bubble gum scraper, and had snuck into the green room. He saw my 'staff'shirt' and told me to go get him some M&M's and licorice whips for his groupies. Of course I did.
Sam: Licorice whips. Ohhhh... the memories. Baldo, the old black man who tutored me in using the bass drum. He had a constant stash of licorice. It was red licorice. He told me that whether red or black, licorice was always subversive. I've held those tenets to this day.
shirl: The smell of the hub, the smell of gum, the smell of licorice...it was a plethora of memories. I had to reject these thoughts as the hub went to auction. It was excruciating for me to part with it....the auctioneer's hammer slammed....."SOLD," he said....I looked at the highest bidder and was surprised to see it was.....
g_a_w_k_: ...a bad flash animation from the new eBay website. It really ticked me off that by the time the animation loaded on my dialup, the auction was already over and a woman who only identified herself as BonHomie_joJo1978 instant messaged me after she bought it using Paypal. I became fluent in my own frustration to how I could have such a strong aromatic fetish for this anise flavored memory. So I had to....
wonderbritches: ...take a swig of the Jack Daniels 5th sitting on the desk by the monitor and ignore the computer for a few. I grabbed the hubcap off the printer, hugged it to me, and took it with me on a farewell walk to the 7/11 to pick up a bag of licorice. It was so hard to think about parting with this beloved object of my misspent youth.
Sam: Alas, I had to confront my youth. The days of yore, when hubcaps atop printers really meant something. When 7/11s were around before 9/11. When a hub cap was actually stationary, and not constantly spinning after pulling up to a stop light. Those were the days, indeed.shirl: I consoled myself by stopping at the corner Chinese diner, and had them fill my hubcap with their culinary delights dripping with grease, yet msg free. I planted my face level with said hubcap and filled my face, looking up only when a waiter came by with a fortune cookie. I crunched it open with tears streaming down my cheeks, only to read: Do not sell anything near and dear for destruction may follow. I threw up. Now what?
g_a_w_k_: Getting up from the table at the Chinese Buffet, I had to use the restroom to wipe off the combination of JD, Kung Pow #44 & Licorice. En route, I passed the kitchen, went down the skinny hallway, and down a set of narrow dirty stairs. I became confused by which door to enter, for there WERE 2 doors, both covered in indecipherable Chinese characters. I played a quick game of enie-minie-mo and shot through the door on the left, to only discover that it was the rear entrance to the Boxing gym next door. I thought to myself.....
wonderbritches: "ummmm, wrong entrance," and quickly closed the door to the gym. I opened the other one, stepped into the grungy bathroom to wash the sacred (to me) hubcap, and pondered my options. Did I want to take a negative hit on my perfect, 100% positive feedback on my Feebay account? Could I really pass up the $80,000 that BonHomie_joJo1978 had won the auction for? Was a vintage Alice Cooper Tour Bus Hubcap really worth that amount of money? Could I part with this hunk of metal?
Sam: ePray sent me an email. It said I should reenter my personal info. I fell for it, and suddenly I was redirected to an illegitimate Bon Homie site. Stupid. How did I fall for that?
shirl: The real Bon Homie wanted the hubcap autographed by Alice Cooper for an extra 20 grand, so my mission was to motorcycle to Harley Davidson town to see the man himself, and hope he would not recognise the hubcap and do the deed.
g_a_w_k_: Ironically, the small town of Harley Davidson wasn't actually named after the motorcycle company, but was rather formerly named for two brothers that had a similar squabbling like Remus & Romulus, minus no strange animal teats. It seemed that Davidson Johnschew and Harley Johnschew both had a crush on the town hooker, Ms. Janey Jaberwaitstaff. After much ado about marriage proposals, Janey left town and the two brothers fought for years until they both died of Syphilis. So when Bon Homie finally arrived in Harley Davidson, covered in dust and teeth full of bugs......
wonderbritches: I scrubbed my finger over my teeth to dislodge the bugs, took off my leather helmet, and smoothed my mullet into place. I walked into the "Notel Motel" to procure a room. I pulled my knock-off Vespa into the room with me and parked it by the bed. I then locked the door and pulled the curtains closed. I reverently unpacked the shiny hubcap from my backpack, laid it on the bed, proceeded to undress, then headed to the shower.
Sam: That was my first mistake. Leaving the hubcap out of my sight was a very very bad thing to do. Heh. Especially since I was naked, and in the shower.shirl: Out of sight, out of mind. I was so glad I was naked during the shower, otherwise my one change of clothes would be wet for a few hours, and I still had to find Alice. His cell number was scrawled on the bathroom door. What luck! I called the number and Alice answered. I asked if he gave out free autographs, and he asked me if I did favors...I gulped and wondered what he meant.
g_a_w_k_: His voice paused momentarily, and we both listened to the quiet crackling of each others' mouths, blinking and static before he coyly said to meet him at 8:15 pm at the iHop on the corner of main street, across the street from Big Lots and Barnes & Noble. It was still only 6:10pm and I had a few hours to kill before I obliged to meet Alice, so I shaved and Febrezed my Levi's & blue tank top and headed over to Barnes & Noble......
wonderbritches: I quickly sought out the music autobiographies, and immersed myself in the glory days of both myself and Alice Cooper. The next thing I knew, it was dark out. I bugged the kid next to me for the time...SHIT 9:15, I was an hour late for my meeting with Alice Cooper at the iHop.
Sam: Little did I know. The IHOP closed at 8:00 PM that night. It was due to a new law enacted by the Jehovah's Witnesses, who, unknown to me, had taken over state politics.
shirl: I called his cell again; Alice and I discussed the religious ramifications of these changes in laws, another being that, in Milwaukee, you must let them enter your home when they come knocking. You must read their Awake booklets, and they get to sip on beverages that you must supply while they wait.
g_a_w_k_: Then I thought of that famous Chicken Incident back in the early '70s, where Alice had allegedly gnawed off the head of a chicken on stage - which was somewhere between a fake religious rite of passage, regardless, Frank Zappa blessed the alleged act with pure dogmatic praise. I had to ask, was this the turning point in your career as a performer - or as a clown?
Alice's face winced and took on a level of bewilderment, even seeing traces of white clown make-up in the leathery fold-wrinkles of his face. He looked sad, very sad, until he winked at me and flashed his fluorescent white smile of porcelain veneered dentures and asked, "So, where is this hubcap?".......
wonderbritches: "The hubcap?," I asked cautiously...I had never mentioned what it was I wanted him to autograph. "It's safe," he said. "You mentioned you would trade a favor for the autograph. So what was it you had in mind?"
Sam: "Do you really have to ask?" he lowly intoned. "It's rather obvious, the reason why you appear before me now." Even the inanimate hubcap wanted to shudder in disbelief.
shirl: "Sure I'll sign it, but I want it back, its mine and I remember the night it was taken" .... so I simply replied, "Fine, its yours". It was just too much trouble to bother with anymore. Alice cackled and took out his permanent ink pen, took a whiff of it, signed it with a flair as he would have stroked his guitar strings, and tossed the hubcap at me..."It's all yours baby!, " he chuckled, with a wink of his mascara-encrusted eye.
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